Two months into dating John, I started to feel something for him…something deeper. But before I continue, I’d like to describe what my dating life was like before I sabotaged my budding relationship.
I’ve been somewhat independent my whole life. I was closeted up until my mid twenties which didn’t allow me to experience the ups and downs of a relationship. In my thirties, after I came out, I sewed my wild oats and made up for lost time. By the time my forties rolled around, and almost a decade into my job, I felt ready to settle down.
John and I had similar backgrounds. He came out in his thirties, started his career in teaching and dated a few people. At one time he was engaged to a woman but he called it off so that he could live a more honest life.
After three months into our relationship, I wanted to spend more time with him. He had a very simple life which I enjoyed spending time in. On weekdays we’d have dinner together, watch T.V and talk about work. On the weekends we’d plan a day trip, return home, nap and then listen to music over dinner. I was ready for that type of lifestyle. I had spend so many years running from club to club, drinking and sleeping around that I felt ready to lay some roots. I was never one to consider marriage or settle down, but John brought that out of me. We were both similar in age, and we both had the same career. It was a perfect match. As we bonded intellectually, spiritually and sexually, I started to slip. I started to melt and let down the years and years of built up walls I had covered up. The problem was, I did it all in an instant. I became the Helen Keller of the relationship: blind, deaf and dumb.
What I soon found out was – I don’t know how to do a relationship. Although I was forty-three, my emotional maturity resembled that of a fifteen year old girl…I had dreams and illusions of a prince charming who would come and rescue me.
It fucked me up.
As a result, I became possessive and jealous. The stronger my feelings became for John, the stronger I latched onto him. It wasn’t a good combination.
John’s once glowing attributes became my reason for finding fault. I couldn’t handle the internal pressure and I eventually broke it off. I felt that my heart was growing at a faster pace while his stagnated.
I was all fucked up.