It was a dark Sunday night in mid October.  The chill in the air and the underlying feeling of the coming holidays overwhelmed me as I worked on my lesson plans for the coming week.  The dark cloud feeling of depression had settled in and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the feeling of deep misery.

I was miserable in my new job as a first grade teacher.  I had never taught it before and I couldn’t get it right.  I couldn’t get it perfect.  As many hours as I put into it, I couldn’t shake that feeling of imperfection.

That night, I had reached my whits end…but I didn’t know it.

That Monday morning was the same as usual.  I woke up, got ready for work and climbed into my car along with all my school supplies.  The only difference was, I hated every moment of it.  As I thought about the daily struggles I’d have to encounter, I felt like collapsing on the ground and melting away.  I didn’t want to move forward; every step I took felt like a monumental feat.

As I entered the school yard that dark Monday morning, the resistance to what was coming kept getting stronger and stronger.  As I unlocked the door to room 408, that familiar classroom smell overtook me, I felt the strong pangs of fear build around me like two iron walls.

I can’t do this today…and for that matter, for the next twenty years.

In a split second I decided my fate.

Fuck the eighty grand in student loans. Fuck the fact that I had no savings.  Fuck the fact that I wouldn’t be able to pay rent.  FUCK EVERYTHING!

I placed the teacher textbooks on my desk followed by my lanyard and classroom keys.  “I’m getting the fuck out of here”, I thought myself as I raced to untie myself from the last several months.

As I jumped into my car, I flipped open my phone to text the principal.  I knew it had to be immediate and quick before I could change my mind.

“I can’t do this anymore, I’m leaving this job and the profession.  I’m sorry for everything.”

With that, I drove off.

 

 

A 43 year man shedding and blogging about the last 43 years of his life.

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